Is it Better?

Let's think on this quote for a moment. Henry Ford believed in the power of self talk, meaning that what we say to ourselves is our reality.  I was talking to a young man I know recently. He's 16, and he tends to get himself into a lot of trouble. Police called, expelled from school kind of trouble. He has a good heart. To say he makes bad choices is an understatement

We had a little disagreement, well, actually it started small and escalated, because he projects an attitude that he just doesn't care about anything, and that is a huge pet peeve of mine. So I started intentionally pushing his buttons, because that is the way to get through to him. Painful as hell for both of us. But at the end, it came to a constructive conversation.

He's asked me, since he knows I have started to write this blog, if I could write this post.

Which brings me to my point for this entry. Is it better, with someone like him, or anyone, really, to knock them down, or give them a hand up? See, the thing is, I believe like HELL in this kid. He has amazing potential, to do and be anything in the world he wants to. My philosophy has always been that it is better to show someone what they are doing wrong in private, and praise them in public. I've always thought that tearing someone down if front of other people is unnecessary and humiliating, not to mention counterproductive.

Counterproductive because it builds mistrust and resentment, and the "Who cares" attitude that I despise so much. Really, who wants to have their faults listed in front of their peers, their friends, or anyone, for that matter? I know I don't. So, instead of owning up to their mistakes they learn to either hide what they have fallen short at, or shift blame onto someone else.

Or, even worse, they can learn to feel that no matter what they do well, they won't be praised, but for anything they do wrong, it will be trotted out for the world to see, ad infinitum. Not a good way to build trust as a leader, or as a parent or friend. I was taught the "praise in public, punish in private" philosophy by one of the best leaders I ever had. I would have crawled naked over broken glass for that Sergeant. Instead, I learned what he taught me, and  hope I live up to it, half as well.

Which brings me back to the hand up. Instead of listing the wrongs, why not build on what is right? Tell them when you are proud. Loudly, in front of anyone who is there to listen. Not because they matched their clothes, make them earn it, or it is empty. But, they did well on a project? Praise. They stayed out of trouble for a week, after consistently being in trouble? Take them to dinner. Make sure the team knows, and goes together.

Have team reviews of what each of them sees the others doing WELL. Let them teach each other how they are doing it. Not reviews to tear each other down, but to build cohesion. Get everyone involved in praise in public. It works wonders, in my experience as a leader of soldiers, civilians, and as a mom.

These are my 15 cents. I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments. So would my young friend.

Read Between The Fine Lines

Recently, I've noticed something. I'm not allowed to get older than I am now. And if I DO, I certainly shouldn't look it. Let me explain. I was in the local drugstore with my daughter, we had to get shampoo, or something trivial like that, and we passed the hair care area. There it was, 43 different types of haircolor, all meant to cover grey Now, I have nothing against haircolor, I am all for coloring my hair in shades nature never intended, but when I let it go from its current purple/blue/natural mashup back to its intended dark auburn, I rock my bright white stripes with pride. They are me. I've lived a lot of life in my 41 years, and I've earned every strand. Then I considered that maybe, in true form for myself, I was overthinking it, because that IS what I do.

Stroll over to the skincare aisle. Rack upon row of moisturizers, peels, washes, scrubs, and stuff I don't know what it is. All For women, all to prevent aging, or acne, or some flaw. Brightening, bronzing, shine control, plumping, dark circle stuff, you get the idea. Our skin can never be good enough, fresh enough, YOUNG enough.

Stroll over to the men's aisle. What the what? There is no men's aisle. The men have a little section, smaller than the area for one BRAND of the women's goop, and it has body wash in different scents, shampoo, deodorant, and that is everything they need. What's up with that?

Why is it that men are allowed to age gracefully, in fact, encouraged to do so, while we women are not? Some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen accept their age, don't go crazy tryng to fight it, and live their lives and stand gracefully unashamed of their age. The most beautiful hair I have ever seen belongs to a woman I know right now, from a Circle I belong to. It is this luscious grey white, curly, thick, and I just want to bury my hands and face in it and have my troubles soothed away.

Because that's the thing, isn't it? Men, as they age, are revered for their wisdom. Women, however, seem to feel the need to hide away, or society hides them away. But these are our mothers, our grandmothers, the keepers of our wisdom. And in my not so humble opinion, it's time they stood up, and spoke up. I, for one, will not hide or be silenced. And I won't let my daughter see me act afraid of aging.

The only way, in my eyes, to reverse this trend, is for me to start in my house. To teach my children that those older men AND WOMEN have things of great value to teach them. That beauty is on the inside, within your heart, within your mind. I have to try. Wish me luck.

Morgana In the Smoke

So, here I am, chasing my dream and wandering in my head. I've left behind the mindset that was given to me "Your talents can be better used elsewhere. Art isn't a career. You haven't been to school, you're not going to be good enough to compete."

Thanks, for those doubts. For 13 years I doubted myself. And then one day my magical little girl came home and told me she had been told the SAME lines. And I sat her down and told her that she would not be allowed to let anyone stifle her, not in MY house! We had a long talk about passion, and love for what you do, and the jealousy of people who can't create beautiful things. And I went in my room later and felt like a liar. An utter and complete hypocrite. How dare I tell her those things, and not pursue what made ME happy?
The one constant dream I had since I was a small girl was to be an artist of some sort. That was even when I wanted to play Quarterback for the Broncos, or be a professional Daredevil.

 Artist. That's all, and always. So, I picked up a pencil and started drawing. It wasn't simple. I stared at that pencil, and that paper for about a week. What if I couldn't, anymore? What if I really never was any good?  Finally, I sucked up my fear and just did the thing. I drew a leaf. And it was ok. And then the next day, I put color in that leaf. And it was better.

 And since then, everything I do is better than the last thing I did. I'm now making sacred tools. Mandalas. Thinking I might be onto something more than just taking "nice pictures" with my camera. Creating incense. Because, see, I was always interested in doing all the things. I still am. And I'm loving the ride I'm taking here.

And oh, yes. I'm writing some too.
So, here I am. Hi.